Begin Again


The weird thing about publishing my first book (You can buy it here.)  and shutting down my church in the same week, is that it feels like the doctor gave me an arm I have been waiting  my entire life for but in the same breath told me that he had to cut off my leg.  It's a crazy mixed up way of living and feeling.  I feel that I am in the midst of sorting my feelings into little boxes so that they don't spill out into my everyday world in a big jumbled mess.


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We Had Hoped



They were devastated.  The men walked in silence as they made their way to Emmaus.    Their hearts were breaking and they knew that their lives would never again be the same.  Jesus had just been brutally crucified.

One of them broke the silence.  He turned to his friend   and voiced what had hovered in their thoughts for three days.  "We 

thought he was the one. "  How crushed they felt as they shared their hearts.  Everything - their life, their hopes, their dreams, their goals - hung on this one man.  He had let them down. 

They were followers of Jesus.  They were passionate about and for Him.   They watched him with pride as they knew that he would be the one who would save the Israelites from the cruel government that now ruled the land.    It was prophesied in the Old Testament about this man who would rescue them.   They KNEW, KNEW KNEW that this man - this carpenter from Nazareth  was the answer to their hearts cry. 

Then one day, it happened.  They watched in breathlessness while Jesus - a mass of blood and flesh bowed his head and said, " Father forgive them." In shock and utter disbelief they stared at each other.  He was supposed to save himself so that he could save others!  He had walked around for three years, doing miracles showing signs and wonders through his mere words or gentle touch.  He had saved himself before.  Why not now?  Why didn't he call fire from heaven?  Why didn't he perform an amazing miracle of coming down off that cross victoriously showing the world that NOTHING could stop him - that he was invincible?  He could have done that.  He had the power in his grasp.  Why then did he choose to die?

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Do you have a goal that's just burning so hot in your chest that you can hardly breathe?  Do you need
a breakthrough that will change your whole entire life?  Do you see something that needs to be done, fulfilled, taken care of in your life and you are headed there but so far away still - in fact you don't really even know if you are headed in the right direction?!

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Have you ever heard of the computer tech guy saying,  "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" to a frantic customer who calls in about a computer not acting right??  There is even a show on the television whose signature is this very question because it's about some guys who are set in an office that fixes computers. 
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Every year, I decide on a new word that will depict the coming year for me.  I think about it a lot.  I pray about it and I take into account  my own personal journey of life.  Often,  after  I have decided on a certain word, all of these things come popping into my day, on my facebook newsfeed and in my readings and casual conversations that further confirm the validity of that one special word.  This year was no different.



I used to see only black and white.

I was that person that got mad at you if you didn’t treat me right going through the till.  I was the one that let you know swiftly if my coffee wasn’t hot enough.  I was that person who  honked at the cars that cut me off - not to let them know that I was there but to let them know that I was super angry at them.  In my mind, you were either right or wrong.  Lifestyles were either right or wrong.  It was black and white and I left no room for colour or for gray.

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