It’s okay to feel weak and broken and hurt. It’s better than okay to be transparent and honest so that you are not sweeping your feelings under the rug. But your feelings – the place where you are at now was never meant to be a camping spot. That’s where many of us are making a mistake. We are vulnerable – we are out there.
We are walking with people and reaching out to them through our brokenness which is all the things that we should be doing. But some of us have set up our tent and our portable grill: we have made a cup of tea and are sipping it in on our broken down chair that needs repairing. We have made ourselves at home. We have forgotten that our brokenness is a journey – it’s a pathway to healing. It’s a highway to wholeness. We have forgotten that breakthrough is for us – victory is for us. Life – real, lovely, vibrant, pulsating, beating life is there for us.
No, we don’t have to be strong all the time. Yes, it’s okay to be weak. Yes, it’s okay to be confused; to be lost; please give yourself permission. Please be kind to your woundedness. If you aren’t then you can never experience true and beautiful healing. This is a necessary step that you absolutely cannot miss. But at the end of the day, my friend, there is more for you.
You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to give up. Look up and see the glimmers of hope peeking through the dark clouds. There is something that we have to fight for and that is our freedom.
This, right here, isn’t your life. This isn’t your final pursuit. I am speaking to myself here. You need to pay close attention to your soul. You need to wildly pursue freedom of your spirit and don’t give up until you feel it’s burning embers in the belly of your soul.
It’s okay if you are too weary to fight. We all find ourselves there at one time or another. The water will keep you buoyant so that you can float for awhile. But when you get your strength back you will want to swim to shore – where your home is. Your home isn’t floating in the water.
Life is a constant tango of both the fight and the surrender. You need to surrender but you never give up fighting.
I started my blog when my father in law was dying. It felt so free to feel real and vulnerable and see that so many related. It felt so victorious to finally face feelings of brokenness. And I will surely write about it again. But right now? Right now, I am feeling my spirit rise up within me and the flutters in my soul saying – you were created for more. You were supposed to fight and win battles.
There is a deep rich place where brokenness and conqueror meet. We must find that place. God instructs us to be broken before him but he also reminds us that in exchange he gives us his warrior spirit. He places in our hands the gift of a victor and in our voice the roar of a lion.
There was a man who had been sick for thirty eight years laying by the pool of Bethesda. We don’t know what exactly his ailment was but we know that it was too hard for him to let himself into the healing waters before others. When Jesus passed by, he heard the cry of his heart. He heard his heart weeping for freedom; for healing; for a better place.
Jesus stopped in front of him. The thoughts that were scrambling around in this man’s head as Jesus looked at him. What was Jesus going to say to him? Was he going to heal him? Was he going to rebuke him. Was he going to be repulsed by him? He held his breath as he waited for what Jesus was going to say.
Then Jesus asked the most peculiar question. “Do you want to be well?”
The man answered that he did want to be well. But everytime he tried to get to the pool, someone beat him to it. He desparately wanted to be healed but he was all alone with no one to help him, he admitted.
Wasn’t that a no brainer? Wasn’t it obvious that he would want to be healed? But still Jesus asked him. It was a question that shot straight to the soul. “Do you just want to be honest in your broken body; in your alone-ness, or do you want healing? You can have both. It’s not just one or the other. Are you willing to fight for it? Are you willing to pick up your mat and walk?” That’s what Jesus required of him. Pick up what symbolized his sickness and his pain, tuck it under his arm, because he didn’t need it anymore, and move on. You are stronger than the mat you lay on.
What does that look like in your own life? The man could have been healed and stayed on his mat for awhile. Maybe his muscles were weak. Maybe he wanted to leave his mat there and send for it later. But God was very specific in what he wanted him to do.
What is God requiring of you right now? What is God saying in your spirit? What do you need to do in order to feel that soaring victory rise up in your belly? Grab ahold of his orders with both hands. There is freedom in your surrender; but there is surely freedom in your fight.